Apocalove: Your One-Stop Survival Guide

Greetings, internet surfers, fellow earthlings and any overlords who may be monitoring us! It’s 2012,  and many of you have heard rumors about what that means.  On December 20th, 2012, life as we know it will be no more.

You see, the Mayan calendar, which nobody has really used for centuries, is coming to an end.  Doomsday is upon us. And why should we doubt them?  Recently, our puny planet has been sieged with tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, oil spills and Newt Gingrich running for president; global disasters as old as the planet itself suddenly appear as ill omens.  However, while the Mayans were gracious enough to tell us the day, they neglected the how, which has lead to a bit of speculation.  Obviously, it has to be quick, or the Mayans would have given us an addendum to their calendar to chart the progress of the Apocalypse.

Doomsday Types

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1. Zombie Invasion

We’ve all seen Romero’s movies, we know how this works.  The dead come back to life and feed upon the flesh of the living.  Scary, right?  Zombie myths are as old as civilization.  Problem is, you shoot the sons of bitches in the head and they go down.  Not to mention it’s been scientifically proven that a zombie invasion would not last the week.

2. Religious Retribution

More devout Christians than I would probably be able to explain this far better than I ever could.  As it is, I always had trouble fitting it into the Mayan timeline.  The only way I know how to do it is in the upcoming novel, Toasty.  There the 2012 apocalypse is caused by a fallen angel who built a gate to Hell that would only open when the planets were in alignment.

3. Alien Overlords Return

They are watching you.  All the time.  Did you not see the spaceships in the Mayan art?  They told the Mayans when they would be returning.  Just remember to answer all their questions with 42.

4. Astrological Disaster

Given the short time frame the Mayans gave us, this is the most logical explanation.  A giant asteroid cracks the earth in two.  A massive solar flare destroys the atmosphere.  The planetary alignment swings the earth out of orbit and hurtling into the sun.  Take your pick.


Now that we’ve covered the basic type of Apocalypse, the question is, how to survive it, and the answer is simple.  You don’t.  99.9% of all species are extinct and those odds are unbeatable.  Whether through evolution or massive destruction, human beings will ultimately be gone.  So what is a poor soul to do in the face of such overwhelming odds?

1. Do not stockpile food.  It’s not going to do you any good, especially if we all die at once.  Provided you survive the initial onslaught, what good is that food going to do you when it runs out and you don’t know how to provide for yourself and everything else has been destroyed anyway?  Dead is dead, whether it happens in 2012 or when food runs out.

2. Do something on your bucket list.  What better motivation to do something you’ve always wanted to do than impending doom.  Use that money you’re saving by not stockpiling food to do something more enriching.  As that one commercial says “Why put off til Friday night what you can do Tuesday morning?”

3.  If the aliens come, hitch a ride.  Think of all the exciting things you’ll get to see if you could travel the universe.

4. Stop worrying.  You can’t stop the Apocalypse; part of the fun is the complete and total destruction of the human race.  Take comfort in the knowledge that your pesky teacher/neighbor/roommate/coworker/boss will be sailing the Apocalypse boat with you.

5. Stop obsessing over everyone else.  Let the gays marry.  Where we’re headed, there’s no need for procreation anyway, and why shouldn’t they have their equal chance at bliss before the final bang?  And stop obsessing over Kim Kardashian’s love life or what Snooki looks like without their makeup.  Who cares?  And stop prying into the lives of your coworkers.  Live your own life, not what everyone else thinks you should do.

Chinese New Year

According to the Chinese, 2012 is the year of the Dragon.  Which is great news for them since they’ll have a good final run.  It’s also good news for Tigers.  You see, Tigers are fierce and Dragons respect that, so we’re tight.  Except for one quarter of the year, the Dragon likes to piss on us just to remind us that it can.

2012 is going to be my year, and I’m not going to let the threat of the Apocalypse stop that.  Are you?


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