Resident Evil: Retribution: A Documentary on How to Get Expelled From Film School

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Frequent visitors to the site will know that Resident Evil is kind of a big deal around here.  Naturally, I would be watching Retribution sooner or later, and of course I was going to be sharing my thoughts on it.  Because we all know that when it comes to Resident Evil, I’m very vocal.  First, my thoughts on the other movies.  The first one was good, Apocalypse was decent, Extinction sucked for too many reasons to go into at the moment, and Afterlife appeared to be sending the series back in the right direction.  If only I had been right and this movie hadn’t sunk to a level below Extinction (a feat I did not know was possible).

I avoided it in theaters because I had read some particularly negative reviews on it.  That combined with the fact that Chris and Claire were not actually in the movie, thus crushing all my hopes and dreams of a Chris and Jill Hollywood style reunion, I decided to give it a pass until it was available for rental.  If such a thing were possible, I would demand my money back from Redbox.  Alas, it is a dollar and two hours of my life that I can never recover.

So what exactly is so bad about Resident Evil Retribution?  For starters, it opens with a shot of Alice floating in the water.  It then goes through the opening credits while playing the battle that started at the end of Afterlife backwards.  Meanwhile the actors are getting displayed as well as the characters they were playing just to make sure you remember that this is a video game movie.  If that’s not mind-numbingly bad enough, after the opening credits roll, we are treated to Alice on a screen, inside the tv screen, telling us who she is and recapping the last four movies.  Seriously, it happened, and it breaks about five story telling rules about the opening of your plot.  You know, the rules that exist in order to make sure people don’t get bored with your movie and should only really be broken if you are an absolute master at your craft.

Somehow, I managed to survive all that and had the misfortune of watching the entire thing.  Okay, we get it, Anderson, you’re married to Milla Jovovich and you are absolutely tickled pink about the fact.  Just to make sure people know that she’s your special little someone, we were once again subjected to a mostly nude scene of Alice.  You know, just enough for you to be all “my wife is hot,” but not actually nude enough to show any real T+A despite the movie’s R rating.  But even that wasn’t enough for him to declare his love for his wife.

RE-2-585x350You see this woman here?  This is Rain, from the original Resident Evil movie, played by the gorgeous Michelle Rodriguez who has a tendency to be a bit badass and has a bad habit of dying in everything.  Much like Sean Bean.  Anderson decided to bring her back, which was kind of awesome and pretty decent.  You know, since there’s a small portion of the population out there who liked her more than Alice.  Who are those crazy folks anyway?  As it turns out, Rain was only brought back so she could die again not once, but twice.  Why?   Why would someone do that?  Is it because people liked her more than your wife?  Please leave your boner out of your professional work.  I used to sort of like Milla Jovovich but now I’m afraid of everything she’s in because Anderson seems to think she’s some sort of unstoppable goddess who should just completely defy logic in every movie she’s in.  I get it, you’re married, and you love her, but she does not need to be the center of attention in everything you make.

As for the plot, well…

The majority of the story takes place inside a simulation facility where they make carbon copy people and sic zombies on them to get governments to buy their biological weaponry.  As a result, the characters more around from stage to stage participating in various battles along the way.  Much like a video game!  You know what other movie did that recently?  Silent Hill, and it actually made sense within the context.

As for the ending, well, it’s obviously a setup for what will hopefully by the last movie.  Which looks absolutely nothing short of ridiculous.  I fully expect President Obama to show up at some point riding his Utahraptor and gunning down those umbrella bastards and their B.O.W.S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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