Review: Spartacus War of the Damned: Spoils of War

War of the Damned Spartacus promo charactersRun, Team Germania, run!  Run faster.  Faster.  You guys are quite possibly the most fascinating characters on the show, and you need to run away faster.  Well, things were not as dire as I had originally predicted, because Spartacus took a small group with him to check to make sure the gates were sealed.  I think that’s why he decided to magically show up when he did.  Thus saving Saxa, Agron and Donar from an early death.  Crixus, on the other hand, manages to look impressed at Spartacus’ skill, like he had never seen him fight before or something.

Once they kill some Romans, they quickly assess the situation.  Gannicus volunteers to serve as a distraction to give the rest of them time to get out the northern gate and into the mountain passes.  Also, he has no plan and has decided to make it up as he goes along.  Saxa looks genuinely sad to see him risk his life for the rest of them, and once Gannicus is left, he finds Donar has decided to stay with him.  Because Donar believes that his passing would be of even lesser concern to the group than Gannicus.  No, Donar, no, because after Gannicus’ actions in this episode, I would much rather see Gannicus pass than you.

While wandering through the city, they happen across Sibyl, who had not managed to escape at the time when the Romans came in.  Quite conveniently, I might add.  Gannicus tries his epic distraction, but it doesn’t work, because Crassus is smarter than Gannicus and recognizes the distraction for what it really is.  What are you going to do now, Gannicus?  The answer to that one is get Donar killed.   While they are fighting in the streets, Donar takes a blow somewhere and falls to the ground unconscious.  Gannicus takes one look at him, doesn’t even really check to see if he is dead or not, decides he already has one liability in the form of Sibyl, and leaves Donar in the middle of the street.  Guess what, Gannicus?  He is dead now, because you decided Sibyl was more important.  Haven’t you ever heard of bros before hos?  I mean, if Gannicus was unused to injuries on the battlefield, that would be one thing.  But Gannicus has seen people survive far worse, and he just leaves him there without checking to see if he was alive.  After Donar so bravely volunteered to go with you.  So now I really don’t care what happens to Gannicus, or Sibyl at this point.

Back with the Romans, Caesar got a haircut and is actually starting to look rather pretty.  He goes to pick up Laeta to deliver her to her new pretty bath.  I hate the fake pubic hair.  It’s actually rather disturbing looking.  Meanwhile, Crassus tells his son that he is to throw a party in Caesar’s honor and sells Laeta to the pirates.  Not Queen Laeta, you jerk.

Gannicus and Sibyl are hiding underneath the floorboards of the stable where Laeta had been hiding the Romans earlier.  He wisely deduces that they can’t stay there for ever, and gives Sibyl a dagger to slit her throat with if he should not return.  Now, here’s the problem I have with Sibyl.  Up to this point she has done nothing to live her own life.  Everything she does, she does because of Gannicus.  When I say I want a strong female character, I don’t mean a character who can fight.  I mean I want a female character who can exist on her own, especially without the aid of a man.  We have two other women on the show who aren’t going to be winning any sword contests any time soon, but they’re still strong characters.  Because they both take their fate into their own hands instead of waiting around for someone else to take care of it for them.

Before the celebration, Julius Caesar gets a gift of two women who are pretty into each other.  What happened to this show?  I miss the women with different breast types.  I miss the naked men.  I miss Lucy Lawless.  This scene is also proof of why  they should never attempt to do lesbians as main characters, because they seem to be impossible of doing lesbians without pandering.  Their decision to stick with gay males is widely regarded as a wise one.  Afterwards, the Romans are treated to a celebration that seems like it was inspired by too many Saw movies.  Tiberius, being the little snake that he is, releases Donar’s bonds in the hopes that Donar will be able to kill Caesar.  He made a good run for it, and let’s be honest, we were all rooting for it despite what history says, but Caesar plays dirty.  Before he can finish him, however, Donar takes his own life to deny Caesar the pleasure.  Filing this under things that will never be okay.  Also, let’s talk about the bad writing surrounding Donar’s death.  It seems like we killed him for no other reason than to have a main character die at this point, but we thought it was still too early for one of the series regulars.  Poor Donar was the last one who had been around since Blood and Sand, so he was put on the chopping block.  We already discussed the bad writing surrounding his capture.  After all, Gannicus had seen people survive far worse.  He only assumed Donar was dead because  it was easier for the writing if they only had to have Gannicus and the two girls escape, not to mention the issue of their desire to kill off a major-minor character.  I don’t actually complain about the Spartacus writing alot, if at all, but this really struck me the wrong way.  It would have made much more sense had Gannicus and Donar been separated in some other way than Gannicus couldn’t be bothered to check to see if he was still alive or not.

Gannicus and the girls make it out of the city, but not before my Queen Laeta gets speared in the side.  Yet another thing that will never be okay.  They make it back to the new rebel encampment, and we find out that Crassus has them trapped in the pass by a giant wall and trench he had built somewhere earlier in the season.

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